


not what i meant

by solange_lol



Series: solangelo week 2020 [2]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan, The Trials of Apollo - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, SW, Solangelo Week, solangelo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:34:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24861628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solange_lol/pseuds/solange_lol
Summary: It hurts in a way that Nico has never experienced, and he doesn’t begin to know how to describe it. It feels like his heart has been taken from his body, but at the same time every weight is pressing down on his chest and he’s feeling every negative emotion at the same time.In which they argue, Nico has an anxiety attack, and things are mostly okay in the end.solangelo week day 2 - "infirmary"
Relationships: Nico di Angelo/Will Solace
Series: solangelo week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1797763
Comments: 9
Kudos: 171
Collections: Solangelo Week 2020





	not what i meant

**Author's Note:**

> hohohoho we really decided to bring on the angst this week! uhh i wrote this literally while i was having a panic attack after making someone close to me cry and i didnt know how to deal :,) 
> 
> nonetheless, enjoy! and stick through with me <3

Nico presumes the white walls of the infirmary were supposed to be a nice contrast to the regular outside world at camp, as a neutral look to let one’s head take a break and process. He usually likes them compared to his cabin. With soft, dim light from the moon outside shining in and the open window allowing for a light breeze. The cool night air was a pleasant change from humid, dry summer air. It was calming. _Usually._

Now, though? Now they just feel like they were mocking Nico.

The last thing he wants to do right now is to think about his day. Which, not to mention, was still going on. He checks the clock and groans when he sees that it’s only 10:45pm. There was still another near-eight hours before the sun rose before he could get out of here. He just wants to sleep in his own cabin, to just _forget it all,_ but his brain had other ideas.

Every time he tries to push away his conversation with Will earlier, something pops back into his brain. 

Whenever he opens his eyes, they catch the skull printed sheets Will had put on this specific bed as a joke just for Nico’s infirmary visits. 

When he closes his eyes, it was the smell of the room, the same smell that lingered on Will wherever he went that made Nico tell him he was picking up too many infirmary shifts.

Even his typical peaceful scenario he used, a comfortably quiet walk by the river, he associates with Will. 

He can’t escape it. It’s just Will, _Will, WILL!_ in his head.

It’s too much to handle.

Nico closes his eyes again, trying to focus on something else. But, because his body hates him, instead, the image of Will’s stone-cold, yet tear-stricken face appears way too clearly in his mind. He can see every shade of blue in his eyes, which are rimmed with red, and it just hurts. 

It hurts in a way that Nico has never experienced, and he doesn’t begin to know how to describe it. It feels like his heart has been taken from his body, but at the same time every weight is pressing down on his chest and he’s feeling every negative emotion at the same time.

He remembers the argument too clearly in his mind, overanalyzing everything he said, everything he did to make Will feel that way.

 _“Don’t touch me,”_ Nico had told him when Will had dragged him to the infirmary after Capture the Flag. Sure, he had overshot his shadow traveling a little bit and ended up falling out of a tree, but it wasn’t that far, and nothing hurt. Will was just fussing over him like usual. That, plus the stress and just pure exhaustion made him snappy. All he wanted was to go back to his own cabin and sleep it off. 

Will had looked taken aback, though. It was the first time in a while that Nico wasn’t compliant in the infirmary. _“I’m just trying to help you, Nico!”_

 _“Stop trying to help me all the time! I’m not some porcelain doll, you don’t need to fix me! I’m not broken!”_ he doesn’t know where it came from, but the moment he said it he wanted to take it back. And yet, he didn’t say anything. 

_“You don’t mean that. You know that’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m just trying to do what’s best for you.”_ Will’s voice is painfully calm.

 _“Have you ever considered what you think is the best isn’t actually?”_ Nico had said, matching the quiet tone. It’s so silent in the infirmary, and Nico’s entire body felt like it was on fire. _“Why do you care so much?”_

 _“Because I love you, Nico, and I care_ _about_ you. _More than I think you care about yourself.”_ His face was still rigid, but he tightened his jaw as a tear slipped from his eye. He shook his head softly, not breaking eye contact as he asked _“does that mean anything to you?”_

Nico just shrugged. Usually, when Will tells him he loves him, his body feels like it’s electrified, combusting from the inside in the best way possible.

But now his chest is tight, and there are words at the back of his throat, but he doesn’t say them. He doesn’t know. He’s never seen Will cry like this before, not because of _him._

The moment Nico realized _he_ had made Will cry, the exhaustion left his body, replaced with a sick feeling in his stomach and his throat closing. Knowing you made someone else cry is the worst feeling in the world, and that’s coming from someone with a dead mother and sister, and who has been scratched by werewolves. 

Nico’s actual cuts and scratches are numb compared to the knowledge that he hurt the person he loves.

After that, he lets Will work, neither of them talking. They both know that Nico is perfectly fine, physically, to go back to his cabin, but Will leads him to his bed in the infirmary anyway. 

Which leads to where Nico is now, that same tight-chest feeling like he’s struggling for air. The guilt about what he said mixed with the fear of what he might say next is back. 

He feels useless. It makes him want to start over this day, maybe this whole year. 

Maybe he just wants to disappear. 

When he opens his eyes, Will is standing at the end of his bed. His face is still emotionless, but more tired than before as he looks at Nico carefully. 

“You’re crying,” he says quietly, and Nico realizes that he _is._ His cheeks are hot and there's a lump in his throat, and now he _really_ can’t breathe. 

“I’m sorry.”

Will sits down gingerly. “What are you sorry about?”

“What I said. About you. And for not saying I love you.”

“You don’t need to apologize for that.”

“But I do love you. And I feel so useless because it shouldn’t be your responsibility to love me better than I can love myself. You shouldn’t have to do that,” Nico’s breathing quickens. He hasn’t felt this way since Bianca died. He _shouldn't_ feel this way, because Will is right there, but he can’t seem to stop _thinking_. 

“Nico, stop. Breathe for a second,” Will tells him, but he can’t because it just reminds him that Will probably feels like he needs to be here. Somewhere in his brain, he knows that’s unrealistic, but all hell has already broken loose in his mental state.

Apparently, Will can sense it too. “Breathe,” he repeats, scooching forward so he’s now laying on his stomach next to Nico. “Stay with me. Don’t think about earlier, just think about now. What can you feel?”

Nico doesn’t say anything for a moment. _Too much_ is what he wants to reply with, but he assumes that probably wasn’t the answer Will is looking for. He focuses on what he can physically feel instead. 

“The pillow,” he says slowly, barely above a mumble. “And the blankets, and the mattress. It’s too hard.”

“So you’ve told me before,” Will laughs quietly, and the sound of it allows for some of the tension in Nico’s body to lift. 

Will scoots closer, again now on his side facing Nico, who shifts to match him. “What else? What can you hear?”

“The fan,” Nico says, just as quiet but a bit more eligible this time. Will keeps the fan on his desk running in the summer when it gets especially hot. “And the trees outside. And the river.”

“Okay. What can you see?” 

“The walls, and the ceiling,” Nico pauses, eyes moving up from where Will’s hand is resting by his side. “And you.”

“Good. Focus on that,” Will says soothingly, although by this point Nico is already nearly asleep. Once again every emotion is replaced by exhaustion, but this time it’s blissful and not accompanied by his aching heart. He allows himself to get closer to Will, no longer feeling like every move he makes towards him is the wrong one. 

“I’ve never seen you panic like that,” Nico hears as he lays his head in the crook of Will’s neck. 

“I’ve never made you cry before,” Nico mumbles, and he can feel Will swallow. “But no, it hasn’t happened in a while.”

Will laughs sadly, taking his hand. “Not a fun feeling, huh?”

Nico doesn’t respond, because he can tell Will has probably experienced the same. And maybe he’ll ask about it in the morning when he feels normal again and they’re back to their usual selves.

For now, though, he lets the comforting feeling of exhaustion overtake his body, and drifts off into a dreamless sleep with what feels like a clear mind for the first time in forever.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this wasnt triggering for anyone in any way, if it was, please lmk so i can tag it better or edit it in some way! i hope you all have a wonderful day, & stay hydrated! i love you so much please take care of yourself! <3
> 
> if youre interested my tumblr is @solange-lol and there is an @solangeloweek tumblr if you want to follow along to see more content this week besides fics!


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